It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
