I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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