i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
