Moan for me like Helen Keller
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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