i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
