He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
