Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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