I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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