Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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