I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
