ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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