I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
