oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
