i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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