Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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