Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize