mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
