Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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