Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
