i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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