Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
