He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
