ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
