yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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