My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize