Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
