I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
