I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
