Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
