i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
