Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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