had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
