Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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