Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
