please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
