I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The uberlube is also flammable
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
