why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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