Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
