i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
