Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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