Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
