worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
