Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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