They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
