i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
