my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
