tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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