why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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