I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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