You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
