You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
