I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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