i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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