What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize