P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
