News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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