My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
