omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
