I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
